Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
