Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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