currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
