Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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