a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
