I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
