Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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