You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
