i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
