im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
