When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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