Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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