with your own penis?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
