I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
