We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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