Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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