32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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