DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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