You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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