Betty ford says i'm here all night
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I am midnight drunk by noon
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
