I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
