It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
