I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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