my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
