So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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