Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
