sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize