all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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