just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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