there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
