I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he thought i was a dude.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
