That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
