I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
