Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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