the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
