I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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