And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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