My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
