He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize
