Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
