When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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