if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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