No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
