i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
