i think i have herpe
just one?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
