i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize