____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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