You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
