i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
