the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
