My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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