I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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