I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize