i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
