God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
