Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
