I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
