He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
