My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
